I want to build a cave in my heart and hide there for a while.

Looking for the drain in the ole’ cespool…

I paused my movie entitled “My Blueberry Pie” to release some of the one liners (specifically one) that have been floating through my head this week.

Why do we try SO hard to get other people to show up for us (this could look like ‘wanting them to take care of us’) when we refuse to show up first for ourselves?

Let me rephrase that.

Where do I NOT show up for myself  and why not?

I think this practice of yoga is starting to show its face off the mat. All of those Warrior II’s and INTENSE frog holds are retraining my nervous system that “this too shall pass”.

This weekend I cried so hard multiple times that I literally was clutching my chest to keep it from falling out. At one point, i was in the bathtub, in the fetal listening to Sinead O’Connor and saying “OW, OW, OW” out loud. Then I moved to my bed hoping the feelings would stay in one room….but they didn’t. The thoughts and feelings only intensified.

But instead of resisting them, I tried something new. I let them come. Well, not without a fight…but eventually I surrendered to them remembering from experience that ‘after the rain, the sun comes up’ and pretty much everything except for change is impermanent.

And then came my Sunday morning revelation.

Hollace is delivering many messages at once when she says “Think good thoughts”.

I tried it. I was stuck in my head to the soundtrack of “this is my rotten ass, miserable, painful life..bla bla bla” and it was getting boring. I remembered Hollace’s phrase and thought about abundance, opportunities, openness, and Jude Law (he does a number on my brain waves).

BAM! Instantaneously, I felt lighter and brighter.

As it stands, we are not our thoughts: any of them. However, they do have a PROFOUND almost overpowering effect on our lives.

What would happen if we stopped thinking the same repititous non-sense thoughts and replaced any thought we HAD to have with new data, positive, vibrating information, and empowering words?

Don’t let your ego know you are considering this. It will throw a fit.

My cespool is getting dirtier and less appealing by the day.

I had another AHA! last night while watching “So You Think You Can Dance” at a friends house.

This one particular dance was so moving, it had all the judges crying and speechless.

The way these dancers moved their body effortlessly and with so much grace was beyond inspiring.

And I thought.

WE ARE EVOLVING. As a species, we are evolving at a rapid pace and so it would only make sense that what we are capable of would reach new heights.

Which then leads me to ask,

“If Joe-schmoe can dance his pants off and Sarah-fly-a-lot can be flung all over stage as if she is a simply 3lb baton, then what the hell am I doing living at 1% of what I am truly capable of?”

Again, please don’t tell the ego we are discussing such matters.

It is sure to intensify its efforts to make the cespool look appealing.

But seriously, so I have a few days where my thoughts are intense and radical and threaten to take me out.

The matter now becomes not how can I get rid of them and arrange it so I never feel that way, think those thoughts again…but rather

“How can I create enough distance, resiliency, and deep deep core strength to not be unfurled by them?”

If we were in person, I might ask

“Am I making sense?”

but screw it.

I don’t care if you hear this or not.

I know what I know.

I know that I am not alone and that there is an alternative way to running.

Its called RADICAL SELF ACCEPTANCE and EXQUISITE SELF CARE.

Which is why I marched my hootie to Trader Joe’s  (more so because walking in that store instantly boosts my endorphins) bought some comforting soup, rented a movie on the way home, and lit candles in honor of nurturing me.

I get it. No one else is going to take care of me. That is not to negate having close relationships or a wonderful support system, but I know how to use my own oxygen mask…sometimes I just don’t want to.

But tonight I’m grateful to the people who have inspired me to love myself even when it feels like the hardest thing to do….and the teachers who have given me the tools I need to get through “fetal position days”.

The light in me truly honors the light in you.

Namaste.

And I keep coming back to Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s question:

“But can you be with the way things are right now without having to change them?”

And I know this is the work, the question, the absolute die hard issue that I need to face. What is the payoff I receive from constantly moving my external chess pieces? What is it that I am avoiding? What is this game of dodgeball REALLY all about?

Is it a simple answer like: EGO? Or is it more deep rooted? Or can you get any more deep rooted than the ego?

So, what am I willing to accept?

Can I present myself to this moment like a neatly washed chalkboard, ready to be created upon? Can I hand the chalk over to something or someone greater than myself and let them scribble miraculous algorythms all over my life? What stories from yesterday and years past do I need to erase to make room for the new?

My gut says ALL OF THEM.

I’m having lunch with my dad tomorrow. I haven’t seen him since…I guess right after Christmas.

I’m apprehensive about the whole thing because I want to change things. I want to have the relationship my imagination says we have, not the one we actually have.

More than that, I want to show up differently and I don’t trust that the internal shifts that have taken place in me will be apparent, not so much to him…but to me.

A friend said something VERY profound the other day. He said,

“What if you could be with someone in the moment and forget EVERYTHING that had ever happened in regards to that person and yourself?”

That’s like openeing up a whole new dimension of this vast expansive Universe in one question.

What if I could be with the people in my life who I have difficulty with and just BE WITH THEM, without trying to manipulate or control, read or analyze, react or respond? What if I could simply SEE them and remain in that seat?

WOW.

Its easy to do that with friends and people who you don’t have a complicated history with. But in my opinion, that’s not the real work.

That’s what I still like about Jesus. He was so present with people and didn’t go into a drama or story about their past. He used few words and cultivted immense presence and in doing so shifted the conscoiusness of all mankind.

We all have that capability. The question is when are we going to start living it?

To be continued…(time for bed)

Out of my head and into my body

In the past 24 hours I have felt as if my heart is going to BURST out of my chest. I’m seriously OOZING with all this love, openness, and gooey feelings. All i want to do is embrace, hug, and gush about how much I love everyone.

I’m totally sober. I swear.

I feel like someone unplugged the dam that was shored up against my heart and all of this gooey stuff is pouring both in and out. Tonight, I observed my ego standing in the corner like an stiff parent as their child ran loose and free. The child knows that the parent is there, but does not curtail their enjoyment to appease their guardians anxiety.

I watched as my ego got all wounded at someone’s response to me….

I watched as my ego SHRIEKED in horror when I participated in a massage train and multiple hugs

(what are you doing? you are going soft. Don’t let them see you. DON’T LET THEM SEE YOU! Hide. Now!)

I watched as my ego tried to get me to avoid going out with friends and instead run home safely into the arms of my refridgerator.

And then I watched as I realized that what had happened was that I had gotten out of my head and into my body long enough to experience just how good it feels to OPEN…to not think about OPENING or to analyze what others think about OPENING or what I will do AFTER I’ve Opened…but to just OPEN.

It feels good. Turning down the volume of the ego and cranking the volume on the TRUE SELF.

I don’t want this track to end.

A word on “ego”

I’m curious if I am able to furnish a blog in under 10 minutes. Here’s my best effort.

Today, I had this image of my ego. She is a crazy wacked out bus driver who forgot to take her medication and makes her decisions purely based on moment to moment impulses. If a thought arises that says “turn right” (nevermind the big willow tree she is about to crash into), she sharply veers right.

If the thought arises “hop on one leg, naked, reciting Dr. Seuss’s ‘Green Eggs and Ham’ “…she willingly strips down and starts hopping.

When gone unnoticed, she is prone to tazmania-like tendencies blowing through hers and others life in a very unconcsious manner.

When seen, she starts taking her medication and her flame dies down to a manageable level.

That is my ten minutes….more on this later.

Untitled for now

I can’t believe i’m about to tell you this….

but

I just finished watching….(shhhhh)

“Confessions of a Shopaholic”

My inention was pure, I swear. I INTENDED to light candles and study sequencing but somehow at Harris Teeter, my card magically swiped itself in the Redbox machine and out popped this INCREDIBLY cheesy Hollywood movie that temporarily removed me from my own neuroses and lured me into someone elses. The ironic part was that there was not much of a difference between the two.

And I concluded that perhaps MANY of my ‘head issues’ ie. EXPECTATIONS of what my life SHOULD look and feel like derive from watching movies and trying to emulate what I see. I know, I know…i’m 25, not 13.

Perhaps the movie stirred the pot or just added some nutmeg to the mixture, but I’ve had this question swishing around my head all day and don’t have an answer for it. I tried to creatively visualize an answer this afternoon as I lay down for a nap, but only saw VOID.

The question is this:

What would it look, taste, touch, and feel like to STAND IN YOUR POWER?

What if the next time you looked in the mirror, you saw NOT the image of someone who eats too much, has very little impulse control, feels chaotic and needy, unsure and scared, full of doubt and tears….but instad the silhouette of a being who has yet to give up, a deep beauty unforseen to the eye, a hunger for authentic growth, and determined strength?

What would it be like to make embodying that power a top priority?

What would it take?

I heard this story in yoga about there being two wolves in your head and the wolf you feed, grows.

What if the wolf you fed (and again, by ‘you’…i mean ‘me’) were the one who moves from that deep, deep, deep, place of inner knowing and trust? What if the wolf that grew were the one who stood in their power despite it feeling SO uncomfortable and unfamiliar?

At work today, I scribbled something I either read or hear lately…

Start living from all that’s RIGHT with you.

I left the note in plain sight so all day as i was refilling drinks and running credit cards, I would remember that there truly is nothing wrong with me, but so many things right.

That right there felt akward and uncomfortable to admit.

But not only do I think, but I KNOW its true.

A friend at work yesterday made a roundabout comment about me “having it all together”. I dramatically clutched my chest and fell to the ground.

“IF ONLY she knew” I thought.

However, after a little bit of observation I stepped back from myself to see what others might see.

Maybe the image they see is not the same as me. A lot of the time, I see a girl who is neurotic, mean, controlling, messed up, and small.

Other times I see a strong sturdy woman who wears boots and dares to do the hard work of self inquiry. I see a woman who when in her power can inspire others and create beauty. When I see men and women in their power I am simultaneously awed and frustrated. Awed because it spurs me on, but frustrated because I so often feel stuck living a dollhouse version of me.

The women I admire,  Sark, Shiloh, my best friend, Ryan, Kim, Johnna, Donna Scott, Kelly Finley, Rosie Molinary….all mirror to me what I already have but frequently save to use as one would ‘good china’.

What will it take for me to truly get that the time to live from the center of my own strength and personal power is NOT some time in the distant future, but RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW?

What would my life look life if I lived from that place?

What would I have to let go of?

Ahhh….

Some people read bedtime stories before turning in for the night, others blog open-ended questions and then read through tired, squinted eyes.

I’m the “others”.

Goodnight (both eyelids in a rapid decline….will attempt a more cohesive blog tomorrow)

I haven’t lost my mind, but I’m trying.

Before I get to studying, I thought I would blog about the crazies in my head.

One would think that after a 12 hour day of yoga, meditation, and self inquiry…I would be blissed out, not freaking out.

One thinks wrong.

I came home to fruit flies swarming my apartment and a leak I could hear but not locate…and I lost it. I started unloading the dishwasher but instead of putting the plates away, I very reactively threw them onto the cement floor and watched the beautiful colored dishes break into small pieces.Then I thought,

“What the FUCK is going on with me?”

So I took a shower. Not much better. I found myself, mid-shampoo banging my hand against the wall in anger and rage.

“Maybe it was the pranayama. Maybe my kundalini is rising. Maybe its neuroses” I thought

Or maybe I’m choosing to let my thoughts take me the fuck out.

Alex, I’ll take C for $1000 please.

Clearly, I need to bring in the troops to teach me how to disengage from the crazy roommate in my head and save me from my very hungry ego. A couple warrior II’s and a 5 minute meditation practice is not doing the trick. I guess I need to get serious or get busy doing something else.

That’s it for today. If you have any extra dinner plates, I’ll accept donations.

Just kidding. I’m going to eat ethiopian tomorrow and if all goes well, maybe I’ll just start eating on pillows off the floor.

Bahahahahhahahaha.

“We can help each other wake up” – Sark

Sunday Night Essentials

Walking on the tightrope of her dreams, she unloads all unnecessary baggage that threatens to throw her off course.

The baggage does not discard easily, as attachments from years of association with them have kept her comfortably stuck.

The years of molding into others lives, shrinking her needs so they were microscopic organisms only detectable using high tech equipment, and apologizing for things she did not ever do, were over. She recalled the words “You teach people how to treat you” and let out a sigh knowing that good things were in store.

MICROSCOPIC EXISTENCE NO LONGER DEFINED HER LIFE.

She dreamt of vacating her mind and inhabiting her body. Her heart and soul aligned and her bountiful exterior world mimicked her rich and boundless inner world. Limitations and boundaries fell away as she continually free fell into the unknown. With arms flung wide, heart open, and a glean in her eyes no darkness could veil, she journeyed on sowing seeds of deep healing, and a joy so tangible, you could almost (but not quite) purchase it.

She was not alone.

She had never been alone.

Years of frantic searching and grasping had led her straight into the center of her pain and eventual emptiness.

SHE LET GO OF THE IDENTIFICATION WITH BEING STUCK

Your soul has a heartbeat. Do you ever stop to listen to it?

Following its rythym will lead you down the right path and guide you into each moment with a sureness and ease only faith can touch. Are you willing to retreat from the constant noise and movement that drowns out the priceless call residing in sacred stillness? When will it EVER be “the right time”?

Bills will ALWAYS need to be paid, homes will need cleaning and fixing, friends will ALWAYS have a crisis needing an immediate response, and nicely packaged American Dream Goals will always be waiting to be achieved so you can move on to the next one. If we live with an “eventual” attitude, we will continue to be run by lies and reside in the valley of illusion.

I ask these things not so much of you, but of myself. I use the excuse of “I’m only 25″ often. I tell myself that I would live a full throttle existence but I need to save some for later, so I only let out a little bit of my potential at a time…like a balloon you don’t want to deflate.

Who am I kidding?

I’m not going to deflate. And even if I did, maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing!

NOW is the moment I have been waiting for.

I escaped into the bathroom at work and slid down the wall as tears bubbled out and over my eyelids.

Here we go again. I wonder how long this wave will last, I thought.

The undercurrent of feelings was extremely intense and I felt fully charged, as if I had just stuck my finger in an electrical socket. I stared at the black and white checked tile on the floor and tried to remember all the things I have learned lately. I searched my internal roledex for words, phrases, quotations to comfort myself and all I could find was

“This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall fucking pass.”

I looked at my phone for the 79th time that hour hoping for a text back from my best friend.

Nothing.

Fuck, i thought. I really AM all alone.

Then the chef was beaming from ear to ear because he was going to Vegas with this girl he is madly in love with, and jealously sidled up along side of me and whispered into my ear something along the lines of

“If you were prettier and less crazy, maybe some guy would fall in love with you, choose you, and take you one vacation. But you aren’t, so get over it.”

Thanks Jealousy. You are a kind kind friend.

I know that many buddhist’s talk about non-attachment and non-grasping, but what do you hold onto in moments when you FEEL like you can’t possibly take another breathe and continue on with your day? (and by the way, does everyone feel this way at one point or another?) What happens when you let go of all the things that you think are bad for you and you are left with nothing and no one? What then?

Emptiness? And that’s a good thing?

Visa aint buyin’ that, Pema Chodron.

Maybe it was just that it was a holiday and no matter if its Christmas or The Chinese New Year, I tend to convulse a little inwardly and outwardly on each one. Or maybe its that life seems to have become one big unlearning process, one that I don’t recall signing up for.

The strong wave of emotion did eventually passed and I decided that maybe, just maybe I would someday be able to give birth because my feelings are like contractions: they come close together, are often very intense, and requiring concentrated breathing to get through.

Both sides of my brain were shut down when I wrote this

I was sitting on my couch tonight thinking about driving. How effortless it has become (so much so that I got a speeding ticket…yet again), how I don’t consciously get in my car and think

“well shit, now what do I do?”

I just do it.

This was not always the case.

I distinclty remember pulling out of the driveway in my dad’s car my junior year and stalling three times before we even reached the mailbox. He got so frustrated with me that he took over and drove me to school. He said it would get easier and eventually I wouldn’t even have to try. I told him “easy” was driving Leslie Lawton’s automatic jeep, not some stick shift Isuzu trooper that spat at you every time you tried to bring ‘er into third.

Somehow, the transition was made and before I knew it, I was driving with the windows down, music blaring, and shifting gears with ease.

1o years later and I think of all the things I have yet to learn. The things that I wish came with ease, but take so much concentrated effort to accomplish…like handstand, negotiating tax payments, or dating (okay…this NEVER comes with ease). And there is this letting go, this relief I feel in knowing that there really is a flow to it all. I didn’t force my way through my teens and into my mid-twenties. Time took care of that. How I AM in the moment to moment is what counts.

What freakin’ yellow brick road am i trying to skip down with this blog?

No clue.

But I can tell you that I am softening to the idea of letting go of resiting what is.

My life feels really busy right now and I don’t feel in control.

This is a beautiful mess to be in.

Some dude who wrote Ecclesiastes said that there is a time for everything.

Apparently, my life right now is a time to be busy. I keep trying to slow it down so I can FEEL in control.

But what I realized today is that I just need to accept the fact that right now my circumstances were chosen consciously and are as they are. I am not going to move into the next moment through strain or struggele. Only through surrender. So, I guess what I’m saying is that I am surrendering to my bathroom not being painted, my time being spent working a shit ton so I can support and take care of myself, and in practicing/studying yoga.

Making friends with reality does not squelch my dreams or hopes for the future. I believe it just makes more space for them to come to fruition.