I escaped into the bathroom at work and slid down the wall as tears bubbled out and over my eyelids.

Here we go again. I wonder how long this wave will last, I thought.

The undercurrent of feelings was extremely intense and I felt fully charged, as if I had just stuck my finger in an electrical socket. I stared at the black and white checked tile on the floor and tried to remember all the things I have learned lately. I searched my internal roledex for words, phrases, quotations to comfort myself and all I could find was

“This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall fucking pass.”

I looked at my phone for the 79th time that hour hoping for a text back from my best friend.

Nothing.

Fuck, i thought. I really AM all alone.

Then the chef was beaming from ear to ear because he was going to Vegas with this girl he is madly in love with, and jealously sidled up along side of me and whispered into my ear something along the lines of

“If you were prettier and less crazy, maybe some guy would fall in love with you, choose you, and take you one vacation. But you aren’t, so get over it.”

Thanks Jealousy. You are a kind kind friend.

I know that many buddhist’s talk about non-attachment and non-grasping, but what do you hold onto in moments when you FEEL like you can’t possibly take another breathe and continue on with your day? (and by the way, does everyone feel this way at one point or another?) What happens when you let go of all the things that you think are bad for you and you are left with nothing and no one? What then?

Emptiness? And that’s a good thing?

Visa aint buyin’ that, Pema Chodron.

Maybe it was just that it was a holiday and no matter if its Christmas or The Chinese New Year, I tend to convulse a little inwardly and outwardly on each one. Or maybe its that life seems to have become one big unlearning process, one that I don’t recall signing up for.

The strong wave of emotion did eventually passed and I decided that maybe, just maybe I would someday be able to give birth because my feelings are like contractions: they come close together, are often very intense, and requiring concentrated breathing to get through.