I was sitting on my couch tonight thinking about driving. How effortless it has become (so much so that I got a speeding ticket…yet again), how I don’t consciously get in my car and think
“well shit, now what do I do?”
I just do it.
This was not always the case.
I distinclty remember pulling out of the driveway in my dad’s car my junior year and stalling three times before we even reached the mailbox. He got so frustrated with me that he took over and drove me to school. He said it would get easier and eventually I wouldn’t even have to try. I told him “easy” was driving Leslie Lawton’s automatic jeep, not some stick shift Isuzu trooper that spat at you every time you tried to bring ‘er into third.
Somehow, the transition was made and before I knew it, I was driving with the windows down, music blaring, and shifting gears with ease.
1o years later and I think of all the things I have yet to learn. The things that I wish came with ease, but take so much concentrated effort to accomplish…like handstand, negotiating tax payments, or dating (okay…this NEVER comes with ease). And there is this letting go, this relief I feel in knowing that there really is a flow to it all. I didn’t force my way through my teens and into my mid-twenties. Time took care of that. How I AM in the moment to moment is what counts.
What freakin’ yellow brick road am i trying to skip down with this blog?
No clue.
But I can tell you that I am softening to the idea of letting go of resiting what is.
My life feels really busy right now and I don’t feel in control.
This is a beautiful mess to be in.
Some dude who wrote Ecclesiastes said that there is a time for everything.
Apparently, my life right now is a time to be busy. I keep trying to slow it down so I can FEEL in control.
But what I realized today is that I just need to accept the fact that right now my circumstances were chosen consciously and are as they are. I am not going to move into the next moment through strain or struggele. Only through surrender. So, I guess what I’m saying is that I am surrendering to my bathroom not being painted, my time being spent working a shit ton so I can support and take care of myself, and in practicing/studying yoga.
Making friends with reality does not squelch my dreams or hopes for the future. I believe it just makes more space for them to come to fruition.
