“Let go laughing”

“What you run from runs you”

“To get what you’ve never had, you have to do what you’ve never done”

“What you focus on, you create”

“Drop the story”

“Repression equals obsession”

“No seriously. Drop the story”

“You can always trust your intuition. Always”

“When you align yourself, the Universe aligns with you.”

These and more have become the mantra’s headlining my frontal lobe this year.

There was a time not too long ago when something would happen to trigger me into a frenzied and ungrounded state and I would stay stuck for days waiting for some little magic wizard to come and sprinkle special dust lubricant on me to slip me out of the triggered tunnel I found myself in.

As it turns out, I am still getting triggered. But what I am learning is that I have ALL the necessary tools to get myself unstuck. And its a choice. I can do what feels near impossible when I’m stuck (ie. going to yoga, breathing, sitting still, focusing on bringing myself back to the present moment where life happens) or I can decide its just too hard and continue to swirl in the trauma vortex.

I am also learning (albeit at a pace even slower than a snail) that non-reaction is KEY. Very recently I have awakened to the “impermanent” nature of people, jobs, feelings, circumstances, etc. This has been a bit of a shock coming from someone who treats life like a “OMG, no. 9 is my favorite song, I must play it over and over and over and over again.” What I mean to say is that once I find something that I like or that brings me a good experience, I will try my darndest to duplicate the experience so that I can experience the accompanying emotion. This must be in fear that The Universe has only a limited supply of pleasurable experiences and emotions.

(Am I making sense or have you already walked to the freezer and back two times for Rocky Road? The wheels are turning up there in my mind, but i’m not sure if they are producing comprehensible notions.)

Two other possibly unrelated subjects before I settle into my 5 hours of REM sleep cycle:

When are we, or am I going to stop living in FEAR and DEPRIVATION? I think both of those are an inner state and when fed, they grow.

In teacher training, FEAR was defined as False Evidence Appearing Real or Fuck Everything And Run. I feel challenged to “Live Expansively”: as if the Universe is a giddy gift giver and can’t wait to bestow on me blessing after blessing. So if this is true (and I think it is), then how will I inform my nervous system that we no longer need to pull back, shrink down, or panic in fear of what is not yet happening? I believe strongly that “what you focus on, you create”. I have been focusing on SURVIVING and feeding the hungry wolf of fear. I wonder what would happen if i STOPPED that bullshit, sat with what is, and made space in my body, mind, and soul for ABUNDANCE?

This is the living we are called to. Not the hoarding in fear or making decisions based only on analyzing and intellect. When we allow ourselves to flow from that place underneath our belly buttons, life flows through us.

That’s all on that.

Last subject. My gratitude for today is my imagination. I notice in my mind a little magnet that clings on to the same guy throughout the years, just with a different name. He usually ends up taking up so much space in my head, I am forced to charge him rent. He’s not even a good tenant. He is large and ALL UP IN MY SHIT. So the ‘object of my affection’ recently has been driving me mad. And today I decided that i was making him way too big and giving him way too much energy. So i shrunk him and froze him. He is now in the form of an 1 ft tall iron chef sitting in front of my fireplace. Everytime I notice my thoughts being consumed by him, I quickly remember that he’s only a tiny statue that can’t do anything except sit there.

This helps tremendously.

In conclusion, I would like to say that these outpouring of a zillion and one thoughts is a result of Hollace’s yoga class tonight where she encouraged us to imagine opening the tops of our heads and pouring the thoughts out. Its not my fault that mine missed the mat and landed directly on my keyboard.

Always read at your own risk.

Namaste.