Apparently I’ve been holding my breath for weeks and this is the result

Flow sounds so amazing right now, but instead of ‘letting go to flow” I keep stepping in the river like a crossing guard, trying to direct traffic. Pretending to be all about flow, I smile and nod but my hand signals are NOT all happy, flowy, go lucky. They are more like,

HOLY FUCK! I can’t handle the strong current that keeps things moving. Please pause the river and let me get my footing so I can document, control, and direct how all of this is going to happen.

It should further be noted, that when the river guides float by on their tubes telling me just how great it is ‘to flow and be and that i need to stop resisting’ and bla bla fucking bla…I want to tip them over…flip them off their fucking tube and see how well they do then.

My new way of being is not Big. At least not today. Its angry, unhinged, and fed up.

I am declaring to the voices in my head just how sick and tired I am of trying harder at every little thing.  I have heard multiple people throughout my life tell me to stop trying so hard and this only makes me want to buckle down and try harder at NOT trying harder.

Do I have control issues? Probably.

I was talking to a customer at work who is a published author. He told me that flow is a bunch of bullshit and intention is all there is. He noted that he too was 25 and naive, believing in flow but quickly found out that didn’t work. Then he proceeded to give me writing advice. I’m so fucking sick of being given advice. I will simply smile at someone and they seem to feel it is their responsibility or damn birthright to tell me “HOW” to do something…how to eat, shit, and breathe.

This makes me feel like a helpless newborn straight out of the womb on an different planet.

I’m trying to remember why I wanted to partake in a yoga training in the first place. Certainly the desire from deep within wasn’t to become a yoga instructor who was revered and liked by everybody. I don’t even think I want to teach. Certainly it wasn’t so I could make it through the course, impressing my teachers and other students with my knowledge of the yoga tradition or my hour long meditation practice.

I just know that for whatever reason, I’ve always wanted to go deeper into yoga. So then, why in the hell am I freaking the fuck out over  a ’self-transformational program’? My first response is

“well…what if I don’t change? then I didn’t try hard enough and failed”

This statement annotates that something about me has to change. For two weeks now, I’ve been someone other than myself. Pretending to be calm when my insides feel like a 24 hour fireworks show, trying not to delve into story, when all I want to do is sit someone, anyone down and verbally vomit for hours. Trying to make it sound like I”m breathing, when breathing is the hardest thing to do.

So what if I never ever go to India, become certified to teach yoga, eat one piece of raw food, or ever make it into headstand alone. What would be worse if I did all of those things while trying to fit myself into some persona I deem acceptable for someone who does all of these things.

The question has been posed to me lately, Who Am I?

And while I’ve jovially played along to the soundtrack of “not this, not that”…I’m not my crazy thoughts, i’m not the things I do, the emotions i have, the clothes I wear, the things I eat, the company I keep, the experiences I’ve had…I am..at this moment, not buying it.

I can’t by into formlessness right now. Can’t I even claim to be the following flowery things:

A writer

Resilient

Funny (funny looking)

A dreamer

A gypsy

A girlwhochangeshermindsooftenyoucan’tbegintokeepup

Strong

And I lied. My new way of being is not Big. That doesn’t fit. I don’t want it.

I’m exhausted this week. Not from too much yoga, a hectic work schedule, or driving up and down the highway to house sit. I’m freaking worn out from trying hard to be me. Contradicting myself is tiresome.

So maybe I’ll just show up as me. Someone who many not be the things she has, feels, or does…but who does, feels, or has any or all of the following

Judgements

Anxiety

Spontaneous bouts of joy

A very parched sex life (yes, i said it)

A messy room

A half painted bathroom

Debt/bills

Anger

Sadness

A tendency to run, try to hard, hide, pout, and cry

An aversion to animals and single, available men

A terribly difficult time sitting still

A better relationship with her therapists than with most people in her outside world

A chaotic relationship with food

Furthermore, I am taking a break from the following vocabulary/phrase list because I’m saying it without embodying it or believing it…basically regurgitation:

Holding Space

Not getting into story

Being light

Being

Witness Consciousness

CALM.

Letting go to flow

Being with what is

I’m just going to be okay with my current larger than Texas state of

I’M FLIPPING OUT AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME

Please, if you see me this week don’t give me one word of advice or wisdom. I might spontaneously com bust.Thank you.