My ego really wants you to read this…she thinks its great.

Do you remember as a kid (or maybe yesterday at the age of 40) playing with spin tops? Did they ever make you dizzy? Me neither. Why? Because I wasn’t the one doing the spinning.

Yesterday was a day of strange phenomena in my body. I was at work refilling someone’s coffee and in one full swoop the right side of my back signed a legal seperation from the rest of my body and the pain jolting up and down my body felt like siamese twins being torn apart without anestesia. Slight exaggeration, obviously.

This in and of itself was curious, but even better was when one of my customers asked for a coffee refill and as I’m obliging him, my eyes start squirting uncontrollable tears.

He was all, “Are you okay? I’m a youth empowerment coach and you’ll get through this. Its all going to be okay.” Mascara, snot, and tears dripped down my face as I backed away from the table and into the bathroom.

What is going on with me?

The pain in my back did not subside, nor did the tears. My boss started talking to me about shifts and telling me to have faith. I didn’t feel like that tears were about that, but I entertained her with my egoic sob story of “i’m scared, bla bla bla”. That emotion didn’t seem to fit.

Then I got off work and my best friend starts talking about her day and I burst again into uncontrollable sobs. She offered great words of wisdom but it also didn’t seem to fit. Why was I crying? What changed from my “OM shanti, peace and zen are my new best friends” state I was in last night?

I didn’t know, but feeling debilitating pain in my back…I felt nervous about getting onto my mat so I opted instead for meditation. When I got to the studio, my friend Ray…a very seasoned meditator, who has studied with monks, and whom I personally think levitates on a daily basis just for shits and giggles, asked me what was wrong. He said he could sense it. I think it was obvious in my scrunched face and hunchback of Notre Dame posture. Again, I burst into tears like someone had opened a dam and all hell broke loose.

“Ray, it hurts so bad. My back. It hurts so bad.” (Sob sob, breathe, sob sob, breathe).

He helped me find some deep breath before Steve walked in to begin our guided meditation.

During the 20 minutes, when I wasn’t busy chasing and simultaneously detaching from my thoughts, I had a moment of clarity.

All the exterior circumstances I was worried about…and for vulnerability sake…here they are

1. How will I pay my bills over the next 3 months?

2. Will Shiloh be mad that I can’t come out to California? She’s going to hate me (yes, hello old story)

3. I’m not going to be getting enough practice as the other yogi’s. I should be trying harder, doing better, bla bla bla

4. Will Marcia be mad at me about the shifts I need covered?

5. How will I pay for my speeding ticket?

6. Therapy. Can I go three months without it? How will I afford it?

I could go on.

Then I saw all of those worries as a spin top, spinning around the edges of my untouchable being. I do not have to grab the top of the toy, let my legs get lifted off and spin with them. I can simply notice all of those worries and realize that no matter what happens, no one, no circumstance, no money, no approval or disapproval can add to or take away from me…my unchanging nature.

I immediately felt my back soften a little bit.

Damnit.

I paused this blog for a couple of hours and lost my flow.

Well we’ll just stop here for now and i’ll come back later when blood has returned to my scapula.

Shalom.