When life knocks on the heart, ever so faintly…we have a choice. Turn up the volume that drowns out the call or rise, with however much intrepidation exists and bravely open the door without peeping through the eyehole to see what awaits on the other side.
I have found, that this is the juice of life. To live a life based on certainty, on what we can see…on buliding up a fortitude of walls, both metaphorically and quite literally to keep fear of the unknown at bay is living at 1%, when our threshold is infiinite.
Last week, I was blindsided by myself. So much so, that by Friday I had to step out of my skin and view myself as if I was a stranger meeting a stranger. Who was this person who suddenly found her footing and vocal chords? I like her.
I have this headline right now on the inside of my forehead that reads, “Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans”. Last Monday, I was offered a salaried position with a Marketing company…at least seasonally. To the world, to corporate America, to my resume…the offer appeared a no brainer. I felt like I should be thrilled at the offer. Instead, I found my gut get heavy and my vision cloudy. The only part of the job I was excited about was carrying around a briefcase that I could put my labtop in. I mean, surely that would signal all others that I was a professional and had “made it”. But what is making it anyway?
There is no such thing at ‘making it’, there is only ‘living it and being it’.
This past weekend, I spent many hours upside down, dripping with sweat, and often times snot.
I can not boast of any “breakthroughs” but instead of small, subtle shifts that by Sunday night left me feeling extremely calm and grounded.
I have a list in the back of almost all my journals detailing all my life goals and dreams. I have made it very clear to The Universe the where, when, and how of each dream. What I did not leave room for was a “candy land” version of dreams and goals. I have been researching yoga trainings for over two years now. Bali, Thailand, San Francisco, India, La Jolla, Los Angeles….trying to coordinate the how and when of it all. I have written countless images of how my dreams would become a reality and fallen asleep to visualizations of white sandy beaches, yoga mats, and hot yoga men.
I resisted pursuing the yoga training available at the studio I practice at because it did not line up with the “christmas wish list” version of my dreams I had worked so tediously on. Back in March, one of my instructors talked with me about the importance of finding a teacher you resonate with to study with. I felt silly admitting to her and myself just how much of an impact her demeanor and presence had already had on me. What would she think of me? I am terrified of being vulnerable. If she knew just how much her being present with me and others had affected on me, then surely she would think I was mushy and ridiculous and reject me . Oh…hello old story. I believe you’ve been misplaced in my present moment.
And then Tuesday, in one short conversation with another yogi…i knew EXACTLY what to do.
I visualized myself at the top of a cliff with a beautiful blue sea below me. In the water, swam my teacher and fellow yogi students. I took a running start, tearing off my doubts, fears, and thoughts like they were heavy gear affecting my descent…and leapt.
I’m not sure if i”m currently in mid-air or if I’ve landed in the sea. Maybe I suspended the jump and I’m hanging in mid-air (hey, its MY visualization)….or maybe I am in the water and it feels so refreshing…like what was I so scared of in the first place?
Where do you need to jump today? To risk? To trust? To play? To let go of and fold into?
What are you waiting for?
nice