“We can help each other wake up” – Sark

Sunday Night Essentials

Walking on the tightrope of her dreams, she unloads all unnecessary baggage that threatens to throw her off course.

The baggage does not discard easily, as attachments from years of association with them have kept her comfortably stuck.

The years of molding into others lives, shrinking her needs so they were microscopic organisms only detectable using high tech equipment, and apologizing for things she did not ever do, were over. She recalled the words “You teach people how to treat you” and let out a sigh knowing that good things were in store.

MICROSCOPIC EXISTENCE NO LONGER DEFINED HER LIFE.

She dreamt of vacating her mind and inhabiting her body. Her heart and soul aligned and her bountiful exterior world mimicked her rich and boundless inner world. Limitations and boundaries fell away as she continually free fell into the unknown. With arms flung wide, heart open, and a glean in her eyes no darkness could veil, she journeyed on sowing seeds of deep healing, and a joy so tangible, you could almost (but not quite) purchase it.

She was not alone.

She had never been alone.

Years of frantic searching and grasping had led her straight into the center of her pain and eventual emptiness.

SHE LET GO OF THE IDENTIFICATION WITH BEING STUCK

Your soul has a heartbeat. Do you ever stop to listen to it?

Following its rythym will lead you down the right path and guide you into each moment with a sureness and ease only faith can touch. Are you willing to retreat from the constant noise and movement that drowns out the priceless call residing in sacred stillness? When will it EVER be “the right time”?

Bills will ALWAYS need to be paid, homes will need cleaning and fixing, friends will ALWAYS have a crisis needing an immediate response, and nicely packaged American Dream Goals will always be waiting to be achieved so you can move on to the next one. If we live with an “eventual” attitude, we will continue to be run by lies and reside in the valley of illusion.

I ask these things not so much of you, but of myself. I use the excuse of “I’m only 25″ often. I tell myself that I would live a full throttle existence but I need to save some for later, so I only let out a little bit of my potential at a time…like a balloon you don’t want to deflate.

Who am I kidding?

I’m not going to deflate. And even if I did, maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing!

NOW is the moment I have been waiting for.

I escaped into the bathroom at work and slid down the wall as tears bubbled out and over my eyelids.

Here we go again. I wonder how long this wave will last, I thought.

The undercurrent of feelings was extremely intense and I felt fully charged, as if I had just stuck my finger in an electrical socket. I stared at the black and white checked tile on the floor and tried to remember all the things I have learned lately. I searched my internal roledex for words, phrases, quotations to comfort myself and all I could find was

“This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall fucking pass.”

I looked at my phone for the 79th time that hour hoping for a text back from my best friend.

Nothing.

Fuck, i thought. I really AM all alone.

Then the chef was beaming from ear to ear because he was going to Vegas with this girl he is madly in love with, and jealously sidled up along side of me and whispered into my ear something along the lines of

“If you were prettier and less crazy, maybe some guy would fall in love with you, choose you, and take you one vacation. But you aren’t, so get over it.”

Thanks Jealousy. You are a kind kind friend.

I know that many buddhist’s talk about non-attachment and non-grasping, but what do you hold onto in moments when you FEEL like you can’t possibly take another breathe and continue on with your day? (and by the way, does everyone feel this way at one point or another?) What happens when you let go of all the things that you think are bad for you and you are left with nothing and no one? What then?

Emptiness? And that’s a good thing?

Visa aint buyin’ that, Pema Chodron.

Maybe it was just that it was a holiday and no matter if its Christmas or The Chinese New Year, I tend to convulse a little inwardly and outwardly on each one. Or maybe its that life seems to have become one big unlearning process, one that I don’t recall signing up for.

The strong wave of emotion did eventually passed and I decided that maybe, just maybe I would someday be able to give birth because my feelings are like contractions: they come close together, are often very intense, and requiring concentrated breathing to get through.

Both sides of my brain were shut down when I wrote this

I was sitting on my couch tonight thinking about driving. How effortless it has become (so much so that I got a speeding ticket…yet again), how I don’t consciously get in my car and think

“well shit, now what do I do?”

I just do it.

This was not always the case.

I distinclty remember pulling out of the driveway in my dad’s car my junior year and stalling three times before we even reached the mailbox. He got so frustrated with me that he took over and drove me to school. He said it would get easier and eventually I wouldn’t even have to try. I told him “easy” was driving Leslie Lawton’s automatic jeep, not some stick shift Isuzu trooper that spat at you every time you tried to bring ‘er into third.

Somehow, the transition was made and before I knew it, I was driving with the windows down, music blaring, and shifting gears with ease.

1o years later and I think of all the things I have yet to learn. The things that I wish came with ease, but take so much concentrated effort to accomplish…like handstand, negotiating tax payments, or dating (okay…this NEVER comes with ease). And there is this letting go, this relief I feel in knowing that there really is a flow to it all. I didn’t force my way through my teens and into my mid-twenties. Time took care of that. How I AM in the moment to moment is what counts.

What freakin’ yellow brick road am i trying to skip down with this blog?

No clue.

But I can tell you that I am softening to the idea of letting go of resiting what is.

My life feels really busy right now and I don’t feel in control.

This is a beautiful mess to be in.

Some dude who wrote Ecclesiastes said that there is a time for everything.

Apparently, my life right now is a time to be busy. I keep trying to slow it down so I can FEEL in control.

But what I realized today is that I just need to accept the fact that right now my circumstances were chosen consciously and are as they are. I am not going to move into the next moment through strain or struggele. Only through surrender. So, I guess what I’m saying is that I am surrendering to my bathroom not being painted, my time being spent working a shit ton so I can support and take care of myself, and in practicing/studying yoga.

Making friends with reality does not squelch my dreams or hopes for the future. I believe it just makes more space for them to come to fruition.

Rumi makes sweet love with his words

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture.

Still treat each guest honorably,

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

-Rumi

Dear Warrior Princesses, where is your zoloft?

Sometimes I want to lay down forever.

And then I get really mad at all the powerful women in my life and wonder,

“Shiloh, Sark, Johnna, Janet, Wendi, Ann…what do your bad days look like? Do you eat too much chocolate and hide? Do you put on the familiar soundtrack in your head reciting all the old stories? Or is it always sunshine and chocolate cake for you? I mean, do you ever get so triggered, you wonder if all the mumbo jumbo about EXTRAVAGANT living and BOUNTIFUL blessings isn’t all just a bunch of bullshit you paid some therapist to recite to you week after week to keep you from quitting? Regardless, I guess it worked. Where does all your courage come from? How do you keep going when you feel emptied, depleted, and like an open book splayed out for the world to see? I often wish that if I am easy to read, the whole world would be found illiterate. Do you feel that way too? The yoga community I find myself in has me feeling extremely vulnerable lately and every other day I wonder what an idiot I was to put myself out there. What if they don’t like what they see? What if i don’t like what I see? I’ve got some real ugly sides that I have been unable to hide and revealing them feels awful. I’m waiting for the community to stone me, condemn me, and reject me.

Did you ever have years when you tried to move through the sludge of thoughts and behaviors and found yourself knee deep in indignant resignation? Do you really wake up everyday and pray, meditate, write, do yoga, paint, eat raw food, and proclaim ‘Golly gee, I’m just so tootin’ in love with myself? I think I’ll skip all day long!’

Pardon the cynicism, but I’m having a hard time acting out the “I’m SO in love with myself card.”

I do appreciate your enthusiasm, encouragement, and power but I’m sitting here in this cespool and I feel all alone while all y’all are up there soaking in the hot springs.

Go on. Tell me what I already know.

You’ve been through many many many dark nights of your own.

I have a choice.

I’m not alone.

I can create a beautiful dream or a horrific nightmare.

I’m doing great. Bla bla bla.

Suffering is inevitable. Pain is optional.

I don’t know why I just thought of this, but when I was really sick, my sister in law was pregnant. She and my brother sat me down and told me that I needed to get better not only for me, but because my nieces would need a strong role model in their life. They were my drishti at the beginning of recovery. Though becoming whole to role model for them is still a large focus, I think my gaze has shifted and I want to wake up for my own sake. I am the only one who can live my life and I think I’d like to be awake for it. Sleep walking is so appealing sometimes though.

I have no clue where this blog went except for diverging and making me sound like a lunatic.

Thanks for reading. Thank you to the strong women role models in my life for living so authentically and powerfully that it often pisses me off because I no longer have an excuse to live small.

Not croaking in frog requires heavy duty hippie mantras

Inhale.

I am willing to be made willing to let go…

Exhale.

And I welcome the unknown.

This was my experience of ‘frog’ on the mat tonight, coupled with doubting thoughts, squirming thighs, and sweat trickling down my forehead.

I asked myself,

“Megan, what are you holding onto that you are willing to let go of?”

I did not get a response, but perhaps all circuits were busy and the message will be relayed at a later date and time.

I arrived to class today so tired that I found myself hanging in ragdoll while waiting in line for the bathroom and resting my head on the shoudler of some girl I had never met.

(yes, probably a boundary abruption).

The class was probably one of the best I’ve ever had.

I was too tired to try. I literally had NO energy to talk myself in or out of poses. Whatever I showed with was it. Like I had packed a brown bag lunch and there were no vending machines around to grab for extra.

My mind was on a siesta and all that was left was my breath and apparently my body.

At one point, I heard Johnna say something about something about something “shifting energy” and I thought,

“Girl, I ain’t got no energy to shift”

But I was wrong.

After class I was a new level of tired. A ‘ready to rest’ tired.

My nervous system has been jacked up and unsoothable, but somehow the practice lulled me into a state where I could really hear my body.

She said, “Rest. Now. End of story.”

So I called my boss and let him know I would not be promoting anything except a hot bath, a salad, and my bed. He didn’t fire me.

Phew.

“Let go laughing”

“What you run from runs you”

“To get what you’ve never had, you have to do what you’ve never done”

“What you focus on, you create”

“Drop the story”

“Repression equals obsession”

“No seriously. Drop the story”

“You can always trust your intuition. Always”

“When you align yourself, the Universe aligns with you.”

These and more have become the mantra’s headlining my frontal lobe this year.

There was a time not too long ago when something would happen to trigger me into a frenzied and ungrounded state and I would stay stuck for days waiting for some little magic wizard to come and sprinkle special dust lubricant on me to slip me out of the triggered tunnel I found myself in.

As it turns out, I am still getting triggered. But what I am learning is that I have ALL the necessary tools to get myself unstuck. And its a choice. I can do what feels near impossible when I’m stuck (ie. going to yoga, breathing, sitting still, focusing on bringing myself back to the present moment where life happens) or I can decide its just too hard and continue to swirl in the trauma vortex.

I am also learning (albeit at a pace even slower than a snail) that non-reaction is KEY. Very recently I have awakened to the “impermanent” nature of people, jobs, feelings, circumstances, etc. This has been a bit of a shock coming from someone who treats life like a “OMG, no. 9 is my favorite song, I must play it over and over and over and over again.” What I mean to say is that once I find something that I like or that brings me a good experience, I will try my darndest to duplicate the experience so that I can experience the accompanying emotion. This must be in fear that The Universe has only a limited supply of pleasurable experiences and emotions.

(Am I making sense or have you already walked to the freezer and back two times for Rocky Road? The wheels are turning up there in my mind, but i’m not sure if they are producing comprehensible notions.)

Two other possibly unrelated subjects before I settle into my 5 hours of REM sleep cycle:

When are we, or am I going to stop living in FEAR and DEPRIVATION? I think both of those are an inner state and when fed, they grow.

In teacher training, FEAR was defined as False Evidence Appearing Real or Fuck Everything And Run. I feel challenged to “Live Expansively”: as if the Universe is a giddy gift giver and can’t wait to bestow on me blessing after blessing. So if this is true (and I think it is), then how will I inform my nervous system that we no longer need to pull back, shrink down, or panic in fear of what is not yet happening? I believe strongly that “what you focus on, you create”. I have been focusing on SURVIVING and feeding the hungry wolf of fear. I wonder what would happen if i STOPPED that bullshit, sat with what is, and made space in my body, mind, and soul for ABUNDANCE?

This is the living we are called to. Not the hoarding in fear or making decisions based only on analyzing and intellect. When we allow ourselves to flow from that place underneath our belly buttons, life flows through us.

That’s all on that.

Last subject. My gratitude for today is my imagination. I notice in my mind a little magnet that clings on to the same guy throughout the years, just with a different name. He usually ends up taking up so much space in my head, I am forced to charge him rent. He’s not even a good tenant. He is large and ALL UP IN MY SHIT. So the ‘object of my affection’ recently has been driving me mad. And today I decided that i was making him way too big and giving him way too much energy. So i shrunk him and froze him. He is now in the form of an 1 ft tall iron chef sitting in front of my fireplace. Everytime I notice my thoughts being consumed by him, I quickly remember that he’s only a tiny statue that can’t do anything except sit there.

This helps tremendously.

In conclusion, I would like to say that these outpouring of a zillion and one thoughts is a result of Hollace’s yoga class tonight where she encouraged us to imagine opening the tops of our heads and pouring the thoughts out. Its not my fault that mine missed the mat and landed directly on my keyboard.

Always read at your own risk.

Namaste.

Apparently I’ve been holding my breath for weeks and this is the result

Flow sounds so amazing right now, but instead of ‘letting go to flow” I keep stepping in the river like a crossing guard, trying to direct traffic. Pretending to be all about flow, I smile and nod but my hand signals are NOT all happy, flowy, go lucky. They are more like,

HOLY FUCK! I can’t handle the strong current that keeps things moving. Please pause the river and let me get my footing so I can document, control, and direct how all of this is going to happen.

It should further be noted, that when the river guides float by on their tubes telling me just how great it is ‘to flow and be and that i need to stop resisting’ and bla bla fucking bla…I want to tip them over…flip them off their fucking tube and see how well they do then.

My new way of being is not Big. At least not today. Its angry, unhinged, and fed up.

I am declaring to the voices in my head just how sick and tired I am of trying harder at every little thing.  I have heard multiple people throughout my life tell me to stop trying so hard and this only makes me want to buckle down and try harder at NOT trying harder.

Do I have control issues? Probably.

I was talking to a customer at work who is a published author. He told me that flow is a bunch of bullshit and intention is all there is. He noted that he too was 25 and naive, believing in flow but quickly found out that didn’t work. Then he proceeded to give me writing advice. I’m so fucking sick of being given advice. I will simply smile at someone and they seem to feel it is their responsibility or damn birthright to tell me “HOW” to do something…how to eat, shit, and breathe.

This makes me feel like a helpless newborn straight out of the womb on an different planet.

I’m trying to remember why I wanted to partake in a yoga training in the first place. Certainly the desire from deep within wasn’t to become a yoga instructor who was revered and liked by everybody. I don’t even think I want to teach. Certainly it wasn’t so I could make it through the course, impressing my teachers and other students with my knowledge of the yoga tradition or my hour long meditation practice.

I just know that for whatever reason, I’ve always wanted to go deeper into yoga. So then, why in the hell am I freaking the fuck out over  a ’self-transformational program’? My first response is

“well…what if I don’t change? then I didn’t try hard enough and failed”

This statement annotates that something about me has to change. For two weeks now, I’ve been someone other than myself. Pretending to be calm when my insides feel like a 24 hour fireworks show, trying not to delve into story, when all I want to do is sit someone, anyone down and verbally vomit for hours. Trying to make it sound like I”m breathing, when breathing is the hardest thing to do.

So what if I never ever go to India, become certified to teach yoga, eat one piece of raw food, or ever make it into headstand alone. What would be worse if I did all of those things while trying to fit myself into some persona I deem acceptable for someone who does all of these things.

The question has been posed to me lately, Who Am I?

And while I’ve jovially played along to the soundtrack of “not this, not that”…I’m not my crazy thoughts, i’m not the things I do, the emotions i have, the clothes I wear, the things I eat, the company I keep, the experiences I’ve had…I am..at this moment, not buying it.

I can’t by into formlessness right now. Can’t I even claim to be the following flowery things:

A writer

Resilient

Funny (funny looking)

A dreamer

A gypsy

A girlwhochangeshermindsooftenyoucan’tbegintokeepup

Strong

And I lied. My new way of being is not Big. That doesn’t fit. I don’t want it.

I’m exhausted this week. Not from too much yoga, a hectic work schedule, or driving up and down the highway to house sit. I’m freaking worn out from trying hard to be me. Contradicting myself is tiresome.

So maybe I’ll just show up as me. Someone who many not be the things she has, feels, or does…but who does, feels, or has any or all of the following

Judgements

Anxiety

Spontaneous bouts of joy

A very parched sex life (yes, i said it)

A messy room

A half painted bathroom

Debt/bills

Anger

Sadness

A tendency to run, try to hard, hide, pout, and cry

An aversion to animals and single, available men

A terribly difficult time sitting still

A better relationship with her therapists than with most people in her outside world

A chaotic relationship with food

Furthermore, I am taking a break from the following vocabulary/phrase list because I’m saying it without embodying it or believing it…basically regurgitation:

Holding Space

Not getting into story

Being light

Being

Witness Consciousness

CALM.

Letting go to flow

Being with what is

I’m just going to be okay with my current larger than Texas state of

I’M FLIPPING OUT AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME

Please, if you see me this week don’t give me one word of advice or wisdom. I might spontaneously com bust.Thank you.

My ego really wants you to read this…she thinks its great.

Do you remember as a kid (or maybe yesterday at the age of 40) playing with spin tops? Did they ever make you dizzy? Me neither. Why? Because I wasn’t the one doing the spinning.

Yesterday was a day of strange phenomena in my body. I was at work refilling someone’s coffee and in one full swoop the right side of my back signed a legal seperation from the rest of my body and the pain jolting up and down my body felt like siamese twins being torn apart without anestesia. Slight exaggeration, obviously.

This in and of itself was curious, but even better was when one of my customers asked for a coffee refill and as I’m obliging him, my eyes start squirting uncontrollable tears.

He was all, “Are you okay? I’m a youth empowerment coach and you’ll get through this. Its all going to be okay.” Mascara, snot, and tears dripped down my face as I backed away from the table and into the bathroom.

What is going on with me?

The pain in my back did not subside, nor did the tears. My boss started talking to me about shifts and telling me to have faith. I didn’t feel like that tears were about that, but I entertained her with my egoic sob story of “i’m scared, bla bla bla”. That emotion didn’t seem to fit.

Then I got off work and my best friend starts talking about her day and I burst again into uncontrollable sobs. She offered great words of wisdom but it also didn’t seem to fit. Why was I crying? What changed from my “OM shanti, peace and zen are my new best friends” state I was in last night?

I didn’t know, but feeling debilitating pain in my back…I felt nervous about getting onto my mat so I opted instead for meditation. When I got to the studio, my friend Ray…a very seasoned meditator, who has studied with monks, and whom I personally think levitates on a daily basis just for shits and giggles, asked me what was wrong. He said he could sense it. I think it was obvious in my scrunched face and hunchback of Notre Dame posture. Again, I burst into tears like someone had opened a dam and all hell broke loose.

“Ray, it hurts so bad. My back. It hurts so bad.” (Sob sob, breathe, sob sob, breathe).

He helped me find some deep breath before Steve walked in to begin our guided meditation.

During the 20 minutes, when I wasn’t busy chasing and simultaneously detaching from my thoughts, I had a moment of clarity.

All the exterior circumstances I was worried about…and for vulnerability sake…here they are

1. How will I pay my bills over the next 3 months?

2. Will Shiloh be mad that I can’t come out to California? She’s going to hate me (yes, hello old story)

3. I’m not going to be getting enough practice as the other yogi’s. I should be trying harder, doing better, bla bla bla

4. Will Marcia be mad at me about the shifts I need covered?

5. How will I pay for my speeding ticket?

6. Therapy. Can I go three months without it? How will I afford it?

I could go on.

Then I saw all of those worries as a spin top, spinning around the edges of my untouchable being. I do not have to grab the top of the toy, let my legs get lifted off and spin with them. I can simply notice all of those worries and realize that no matter what happens, no one, no circumstance, no money, no approval or disapproval can add to or take away from me…my unchanging nature.

I immediately felt my back soften a little bit.

Damnit.

I paused this blog for a couple of hours and lost my flow.

Well we’ll just stop here for now and i’ll come back later when blood has returned to my scapula.

Shalom.

“You can’t cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water”

When life knocks on the heart, ever so faintly…we have a choice. Turn up the volume that drowns out the call or rise, with however much intrepidation exists and bravely open the door without peeping through the eyehole to see what awaits on the other side.

I have found, that this is the juice of life. To live a life based on certainty, on what we can see…on buliding up a fortitude of walls, both metaphorically and quite literally to keep fear of the unknown at bay is living at 1%, when our threshold is infiinite.

Last week, I was blindsided by myself. So much so, that by Friday I had to step out of my skin and view myself as if I was a stranger meeting a stranger. Who was this person who suddenly found her footing and vocal chords? I like her.

I have this headline right now on the inside of my forehead that reads, “Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans”. Last Monday, I was offered a salaried position with a Marketing company…at least seasonally. To the world, to corporate America, to my resume…the offer appeared a no brainer. I felt like I should be thrilled at the offer. Instead, I found my gut get heavy and my vision cloudy. The only part of the job I was excited about was carrying around a briefcase that I could put my labtop in. I mean, surely that would signal all others that I was a professional and had “made it”. But what is making it anyway?

There is no such thing at ‘making it’, there is only ‘living it and being it’.

This past weekend, I spent many hours upside down, dripping with sweat, and often times snot.

I can not boast of any “breakthroughs” but instead of small, subtle shifts that by Sunday night left me feeling extremely calm and grounded.

I have a list in the back of almost all my journals detailing all my life goals and dreams. I have made it very clear to The Universe the where, when, and how of each dream. What I did not leave room for was a “candy land” version of dreams and goals. I have been researching yoga trainings for over two years now. Bali, Thailand, San Francisco, India, La Jolla, Los Angeles….trying to coordinate the how and when of it all. I have written countless images of how my dreams would become a reality and fallen asleep to visualizations of white sandy beaches, yoga mats, and hot yoga men.

I resisted pursuing the yoga training available at the studio I practice at because it did not line up with the “christmas wish list” version of my dreams I had worked so tediously on. Back in March, one of my instructors talked with me about the importance of finding a teacher you resonate with to study with. I felt silly admitting to her and myself just how much of an impact her demeanor and presence had already had on me. What would she think of me? I am terrified of being vulnerable. If she knew just how much her being present with me and others had affected on me, then surely she would think I was mushy and ridiculous and reject me . Oh…hello old story. I believe you’ve been misplaced in my present moment.

And then Tuesday, in one short conversation with another yogi…i knew EXACTLY what to do.

I visualized myself at the top of a cliff with a beautiful blue sea below me. In the water, swam my teacher and fellow yogi students. I took a running start, tearing off my doubts, fears, and thoughts like they were heavy gear affecting my descent…and leapt.

I’m not sure if i”m currently in mid-air or if I’ve landed in the sea. Maybe I suspended the jump and I’m hanging in mid-air (hey, its MY visualization)….or maybe I am in the water and it feels so refreshing…like what was I so scared of in the first place?

Where do you need to jump today? To risk? To trust? To play? To let go of and fold into?

What are you waiting for?